am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
