Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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