I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
