Don't make out with my wife yet
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
