Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
