I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
