Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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