if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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