just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
