you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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