She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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