saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
