"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
