Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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