My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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