I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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