she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
