shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
