My friends, they love my intelligence
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
