he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
