I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
