If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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