I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize