This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
