My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize