I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
