life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
