she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
