so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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