Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
