Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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