he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
