Barsexuality is the new black.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
