I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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