I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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