She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
