some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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