i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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