Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
