I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
