I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Come on in and take your pants off
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