please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
