i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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