I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
