I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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