my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
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