weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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