Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
