a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
