The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
