i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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