Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
