2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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