we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
