shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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