she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
