i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Damn victory sex feels great
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