I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
