I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
As shirtless as possible
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
