She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
