So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
