It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We need to get me chipped asap
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
