hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
