I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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